Saturday, February 11, 2017

I'm Guilty

Taps pen on desk! Ok so I’m not really writing with a pen. Although I do. When I journal. But I haven’t journaled in almost a month. Yikes!! I know that is really really bad to share with you but it’s true. Heck this whole entire post is going to be true. Ugly truth. You might not agree but that’s why I decided to come here and share what I’m dealing with so you can give me feedback. I am battling with a huge amount of guilt as if I’m parenting a toddler. Let me explain.

Life has been on 300,000! When I’m not running a race living, all I do is self-care to ensure I’m in shape to juggle the rushed days. Rushed days are 6 out of the 7, weekly. Seriously! This is my kid’s senior year of high school. Bittersweet. He’ll be receiving his high school diploma and transitioning to college. He’s the 3rd male in our immediate family to do so on time and not the GED path. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that path but as a single mom who focused on ensuring he made it to this point; I am extremely proud of this pending momentous event. There are so many things that go into finishing high school strong, picking a college, and having the finances to attend. Plus all the things I must do working full-time, adulting and being a single mom there are some things I simply overlook intentionally.

I don’t want anyone to see my closet of clean clothes stacked on a container waiting to be folded, hung up and put away. I don’t want to confess that I am feeding my kid Little Caesar’s pizza as I type. BTW, I prefer Pizza Hut. How I am walking over and around the stacks of scholarship applications and supporting documentation on my bedroom floor. That my truck hasn’t be washed and detailed in months. I am glad it rains in sunny South Florida. While this may seem horrible, I am laser focused on what I need to complete, manage and maintain to get my kid to graduation day and figure out what’s next for me.

I want to spend time writing and blogging but I’m have zero mental juice after hard days teaching (I will not complain about the world of education in this post). My comfort has been ensuring that I am definitely entrusting my days to God. Reminding myself that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I am careful not to do any living leaning on my own understanding of how this season will play out. But still I feel like I should be doing more and better at this mommy and soon to be empty nester thing. Yes, I know it is false guilt but it shows up occasionally. Today just happens to be the day.

You may not even have any advice. It just feels good to share with someone else that I don’t have it altogether right not. It also feels good that my life isn’t falling apart. The chaos is good stuff. I just need an assistant to manage the things I am not. Please continue to be patient with me here. I have a late first of the year post I started writing and haven’t posted. My birthday blog hasn’t happened but will. Turning 40 was good to me. Most importantly, God has been growing me up through it all. Maybe that’s it. This year which I have declared as the Year of Yes, the Year of Transition and the Year of Transformation is happening so rapidly. Not a bad thing because I trust that God will perfect those things which concerns me.

Thanks for reading. If you know a single mom who would benefit from my thoughts feel free to share. I’m off to eat pizza and read a book I’ve been working on for 2 months.

Being perfectly imperfect,

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