Monday, June 27, 2016

Shattered Faith

At the beginning of 2016 I wrote this post. I just knew this year would be the season of reaping. I would get all the things I’d been longing and praying for. God was going to grant me a way out from teaching. I was going to be propelled into destiny and the things neatly laid out in my vision journal would manifest. KT and I would be on our way to a better life and my money woes were going to be nonexistent. Chile none of that happened. In fact, just the opposite occurred. March 8th my world was turned upside down and stomped on, jumped on and what felt like to me spit on. I shared a teeny weeny bit in this post but fear, anger, disappointment, rejection, depression, emotional and physical hurt/pain, stress, distress, worry, anxiety, doubt, pride, impatience, loneliness, feelings of inferiority, unbelief, guilt, failure, discouragement, oppression,  depression, blaming, wrong attitude and every other negative feeling and thought showed up and sat on my chest. Yeppers smothered me like Flat Stanley. #references

I know what you are thinking. Not me right? The one who posts positive quotes and scriptures all the time. Not me who wanted to believe the best of everyone and their intentions. Not me who looked good for the camera. Not me who practiced speaking life instead of death. Now I’m not painting me or my life as perfect but I was intentional about living in a place of peace. I had fought hard to regain serenity in my life and assured my therapist I was going to protect it at all costs. See what I wrote there? I was going to. And I did. Until a life altering moment thrust me into worker’s comp, a forced UNPAID leave from my job, relationships dying instantaneously, caring for my son being in jeopardy and the icing over of my teaching heart. It took exactly 3 weeks for this to happen. Like a sore that won’t heal and festers. I was taken under. I couldn’t eat for a month. Thank God for Missionary Vee and my Mom! These ladies found a way to get food into my mouth and my belly. Shameless plug……Dear Mommy, thank you for always always saying save some money. I’m salty about my vacation this summer tho. #soserious 

The biggest hit was to my heart and my mind. I can say this now but I couldn’t earlier in this process Satan is not after my job, my bank account or my provision. He is after my faith. My trust. My hope. My mindset. He had me all discombobulated and distraught. Cause y’all know I am waiting on God to apologize for allowing this and explaining to me why it happened right **insert sarcastic gif** There are days when I am praying and weeping because I have zero idea how this will continue to play out. Cora Jakes may have coined faithing it but I am living it out daily! The devil pumped up the pain for the win with this trial. I don’t know if this would have shaken me so much if the previous years were pleasant but they weren’t.
2012 – My Granny dies leaving a hole in my heart and our family structure. She was the glue.
2013 – Mom’s hubby dies & her cancer returns. Aunt diagnosed with breast cancer.
2014 – Aunt diagnosed with bone cancer.
2015 – Aunt dies from breast cancer.
2016 – Student sprains my neck and back and I’m deserted by school site and penalized by the district for speaking up about the cracks in the system.

Before I do a somersault and cheer notifying y’all that I’m still here; let me tell you what it took to keep standing. A lot of bending. Well not physically but prayer can happen any time, place, location and position. If nothing else was strengthened, my prayer life has been. The two best lines that were birthed out of this and I stay spitting are “God is faithful!” and “I thought I knew God but I got to know God in a real (tanglible, we are bffs) way!!” I swear I thought I was going to start having panic attacks. From the way my case was handled by school personnel to the Union doing nothing to assist although I’ve paid them for 11 years all the way up to the district level. When the Corporate Care worker tell ya to make peace with working for a company that doesn’t care about its employees, huni you are in a bad situation. So what did I do to get to this moment? Cried. Prayed. Add scriptures to my prayer wall. Sat still and trusted. Listened for direction. Repeated. Repeating.

Huge appreciate for my sorority sisters who jumped right in and did what was needed for me and the kid. For the three amazing prayer warriors who stood with me, no are standing with me in faith that this season will bring blessings after the rain has gone. The love I hold for family and true ride or die I’ll help you pay the bills friends who were willing to grease their face and fight somebody for every act of kindness that has kept/is keeping me going. I’m getting weepy. Types faster, LOL!! And you reading this story. I hope you are more aware of the gracious God who sees and provides for every one of our needs. His will is still perfect. How can I say this? He didn’t come to grant me any of the things I was clinging to. He came to offer the gift of salvation. Eternal life. I can’t expect a fallen world to protect me and care for me. Did God use individuals to bless and support us? Of course, that’s Kingdom principle but the goal was growth. I’ve been increased and been enriched. I never wanted the child to be punished. I did want him to be held accountable. It cost me something to fight that particular fight but awareness of who I am, choosing me and caring more about the bigger picture for African American students makes it worth it. I’d change a few things about this journey but then I lose the lessons. No bueno. DRAWING CLOSER TO CHRIST WORTH IT ALL.

What I learned was /am learning is forgiveness, what vengeance being the Lord’s is scripturally about, to be grateful (life can change in a split second), how much I have that I don’t really need, money will not prevent God from getting anyone’s attention (duh JOB taught us this), beside prayer being powerful it is uninhibited communion with a real living Creator who cares and acts, that I’m stronger than I thought I was when I became a single mom 17 years ago, my childhood struggles, losing both my Grandmothers, battling cancer with so many women I can’t bear to think of walking through life without and so much more that could have been the breaking point of me quitting.

I fell down but I got up. I KNOW confidently there is purpose in this pain. HE HAS BEEN INTENTIONAL.The story is still being written.


Style & Poise said...

I am so extremely sorry to hear about what happened to you. No teacher should ever feel unsafe and it is mind boggling to me that the administration didn't support you. I truly hope you are seeking legal counsel because something isn't clean in that water. That's unacceptable and their lack of appropriate sanctions on that student definitely hurt him more than it helped him. You know, sometimes God will disrupt our lives to force us to seek his face. It is sometimes in our toughest time that we really learn who God is and how much he truly does love us. You will come out on the other side, it's not all in vain. There's a blessing in the storm. Sending a lot of love your way and praying for your healing. XOXO

LifenotesEncouragement said...

Life is complicated..yes; but doing life with God will shape us into what he wants us to be. Sorry this has happened, but keep praying and seeking to hear what he's trying to teach you. You have already helped so many by still standing.

Kerissa said...

I am still being empowered and transformed from this incident. Recently I experienced a potential situation that I was able to address appropriately and swiftly so as not to have history repeat itself. I know God allowed this for my good. I don't take the knowledge imparted that trials bearing for granted. He is increasing me.

Kerissa said...

I'm so late but since we talk other places you probably got the update. I did follow all the way through and the student was charged with a crime. It was difficult. Some days I question if my back is fully healed but I know Gods word works. He has already fought for my healing over 2000 years ago. I #believe!

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