Monday, June 27, 2016

Shattered Faith

At the beginning of 2016 I wrote this post. I just knew this year would be the season of reaping. I would get all the things I’d been longing and praying for. God was going to grant me a way out from teaching. I was going to be propelled into destiny and the things neatly laid out in my vision journal would manifest. KT and I would be on our way to a better life and my money woes were going to be nonexistent. Chile none of that happened. In fact, just the opposite occurred. March 8th my world was turned upside down and stomped on, jumped on and what felt like to me spit on. I shared a teeny weeny bit in this post but fear, anger, disappointment, rejection, depression, emotional and physical hurt/pain, stress, distress, worry, anxiety, doubt, pride, impatience, loneliness, feelings of inferiority, unbelief, guilt, failure, discouragement, oppression,  depression, blaming, wrong attitude and every other negative feeling and thought showed up and sat on my chest. Yeppers smothered me like Flat Stanley. #references

I know what you are thinking. Not me right? The one who posts positive quotes and scriptures all the time. Not me who wanted to believe the best of everyone and their intentions. Not me who looked good for the camera. Not me who practiced speaking life instead of death. Now I’m not painting me or my life as perfect but I was intentional about living in a place of peace. I had fought hard to regain serenity in my life and assured my therapist I was going to protect it at all costs. See what I wrote there? I was going to. And I did. Until a life altering moment thrust me into worker’s comp, a forced UNPAID leave from my job, relationships dying instantaneously, caring for my son being in jeopardy and the icing over of my teaching heart. It took exactly 3 weeks for this to happen. Like a sore that won’t heal and festers. I was taken under. I couldn’t eat for a month. Thank God for Missionary Vee and my Mom! These ladies found a way to get food into my mouth and my belly. Shameless plug……Dear Mommy, thank you for always always saying save some money. I’m salty about my vacation this summer tho. #soserious 

The biggest hit was to my heart and my mind. I can say this now but I couldn’t earlier in this process Satan is not after my job, my bank account or my provision. He is after my faith. My trust. My hope. My mindset. He had me all discombobulated and distraught. Cause y’all know I am waiting on God to apologize for allowing this and explaining to me why it happened right **insert sarcastic gif** There are days when I am praying and weeping because I have zero idea how this will continue to play out. Cora Jakes may have coined faithing it but I am living it out daily! The devil pumped up the pain for the win with this trial. I don’t know if this would have shaken me so much if the previous years were pleasant but they weren’t.
2012 – My Granny dies leaving a hole in my heart and our family structure. She was the glue.
2013 – Mom’s hubby dies & her cancer returns. Aunt diagnosed with breast cancer.
2014 – Aunt diagnosed with bone cancer.
2015 – Aunt dies from breast cancer.
2016 – Student sprains my neck and back and I’m deserted by school site and penalized by the district for speaking up about the cracks in the system.

Before I do a somersault and cheer notifying y’all that I’m still here; let me tell you what it took to keep standing. A lot of bending. Well not physically but prayer can happen any time, place, location and position. If nothing else was strengthened, my prayer life has been. The two best lines that were birthed out of this and I stay spitting are “God is faithful!” and “I thought I knew God but I got to know God in a real (tanglible, we are bffs) way!!” I swear I thought I was going to start having panic attacks. From the way my case was handled by school personnel to the Union doing nothing to assist although I’ve paid them for 11 years all the way up to the district level. When the Corporate Care worker tell ya to make peace with working for a company that doesn’t care about its employees, huni you are in a bad situation. So what did I do to get to this moment? Cried. Prayed. Add scriptures to my prayer wall. Sat still and trusted. Listened for direction. Repeated. Repeating.

Huge appreciate for my sorority sisters who jumped right in and did what was needed for me and the kid. For the three amazing prayer warriors who stood with me, no are standing with me in faith that this season will bring blessings after the rain has gone. The love I hold for family and true ride or die I’ll help you pay the bills friends who were willing to grease their face and fight somebody for every act of kindness that has kept/is keeping me going. I’m getting weepy. Types faster, LOL!! And you reading this story. I hope you are more aware of the gracious God who sees and provides for every one of our needs. His will is still perfect. How can I say this? He didn’t come to grant me any of the things I was clinging to. He came to offer the gift of salvation. Eternal life. I can’t expect a fallen world to protect me and care for me. Did God use individuals to bless and support us? Of course, that’s Kingdom principle but the goal was growth. I’ve been increased and been enriched. I never wanted the child to be punished. I did want him to be held accountable. It cost me something to fight that particular fight but awareness of who I am, choosing me and caring more about the bigger picture for African American students makes it worth it. I’d change a few things about this journey but then I lose the lessons. No bueno. DRAWING CLOSER TO CHRIST WORTH IT ALL.

What I learned was /am learning is forgiveness, what vengeance being the Lord’s is scripturally about, to be grateful (life can change in a split second), how much I have that I don’t really need, money will not prevent God from getting anyone’s attention (duh JOB taught us this), beside prayer being powerful it is uninhibited communion with a real living Creator who cares and acts, that I’m stronger than I thought I was when I became a single mom 17 years ago, my childhood struggles, losing both my Grandmothers, battling cancer with so many women I can’t bear to think of walking through life without and so much more that could have been the breaking point of me quitting.


I fell down but I got up. I KNOW confidently there is purpose in this pain. HE HAS BEEN INTENTIONAL.The story is still being written.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Bronzed


Summertime is the right time for an off the shoulder look to help me get back into the swing of living. I purchased this dress from Forever 21 about two months ago while I was planning out summer vacation with my mom and son. And then my world somersaulted me into the unknown! Today I’m just delighted to be right side up. Despite, I was ecstatic to celebrate my son’s 17th birthday and conclusion of his junior year of high school. If you follow my Snapchat, you might recall I had spent a few hours at the beach the day before so my glow was fresh. #poppin



My plan was to have dinner with the kids (there was 17 teenagers total) and slide off to walk around the downtown area. The plan was to  catch's someone’s eye but nope they wanted to hang with me the entire evening. I told my work daughters they were keeping me from getting booed up. Why’d I do that? They went into let me find you a man mood. Teenage girls are silly. I enjoyed the unsolicited help. But as of today, I am still single and ready to mingle. LOLOL! I plan to wear this dress again. It might have the magnetism needed for a summer romance :) 

Dress // Forever 21
Sandals // Off Broadway Shoes
Tote // Macy's
Pom pom // High Heels High Goals Boutique


Tuesday, June 14, 2016

The Current Playlist To My Life

Image: Pinterest

I’m that girl. The one who has a song for every memorable event in life good or bad. I believe God speaks to me through songs. Well most of them cause recently I lowkey started jamming to Kent Jones’ Don’t Mind. Judge me! God is still in the saving bidness. She said konichiw. #songlyrics Whatever that means. Let me know if I should delete this.  And no I am not gonna Google the lyrics because my kid said I shouldn’t. Listen to your kids moms.

But if I had to compile a list of songs that haven’t pulled me through the latest highs and lows of my life. The songs that were playing during those scenes that were molding me into who I am yet becoming as God continues His precious work in me it would have to be these:
* Broken Vessels – Hillsong
* We’re Blessed – Fred Hammond
* It Is For Me – Miami Mass Choir
* Never Runs Dry – Housefires
* Glory to the Lamb - Geoffrey Golden
* Forever – Bethel Music & Kari Jobe
* Heroes – Amanda Cook
* Intentional – Travis Greene
* All To Him – New Life Worship
* You Will Perform – Geoffrey Golden
** I Look to You – Whitney Houston
** I Didn’t Know My Own Strength – Whitney Houston

I’ve had at least one of these songs on repeat for 6 or more times depending on where my mood was trying to take me. Others I’ve played for the entire day. Yes one song until I heard it so much I blocked it out. I’d go to bed listening and wake up singing the lyrics in my head. It was just that serious. My injury and all the challenges I faced fighting for me were unable to drown me when I lost myself in reading my Bible, writing in my prayer journal and a constant stream of worship. I believe God ministers directly to my current situation through this avenue. When this happens I experience the same lifting that occurs when I read a book where the words are more than just printed on the page and I am captivated & transported. I can imagine this is the constant exhilarating feeling of the angels as they worship in heaven 24/7 #slayage!

Krystopher has even practiced on his drum set this week since we’ve been confined to being at home after his oral surgery. #raremoment Listening to him strive to perfect his craft and increase his gift gave me pause. I mean think about it. Hearing/witnessing my son does for me no matter what type of day I’m having reminds me of what David did for Saul. Changed his life. Uhmazing! The power of music is truly influential. Science backs this up. Create your playlist wisely. The lyrics one absorbs can encourage and strengthen or weaken and destroy. So grab your headphones and plug into a soothing song and block out the negative noise.

Happy Listening,



Monday, June 13, 2016

Truth Tee

Pray to Slay 2

I had zero plans to be away so long. I was starting to be consistent as I gleaned during my devotional time and God was downloading messages for me to write. But if you follow my Instagram you know that I was injured by a student on March 8th. I attempted to handle the situation using the proper channels at my school thinking the system would work for me but ummmm NOPE! I've sat down to write about the incident a few times and I just couldn't bring myself to do so without getting emotional. Now that I've processed it in therapy my current mindset has shifted from the hurt and pain. I had to work hard to avoid depression, anger and unforgiveness. I've been saying throughout this entire ordeal that God has been faithful. Without a relationship with Him, this situation could have taken a turn for the worse and gotten real ugly. That's why a prayer life is vital. I can't slay if I don't pray.

I've spent the past few hours writing. Team no sleep was welcomed. It was productive. God just lifted the block. I'm excited to share! What better way to kick off reconnecting with you all than with a fashion post. Took these photos while I was still forced into flats full time. I debated sharing because I don't feel they are the 110% me but perfection isn't me at all so I'm ignoring the negative noise and sharing.

Pray to Slay
Sunnies // Versona
Tee // hisblessedone.com
Skirt // Windsor Store
Lace Up Flats // Nordstrom Rack
Clutch (Ipad case) // Neiman Marcus Collection Target



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