In December, I went home to visit my family for the winter break. It was a short, welcome and much needed trip. There are specific folks that I must see when I’m home. Trying to do so in such a short amount of time can make a mini vacation even more tiring but my strong connection to my family makes it a must. This particular trip there was someone I wanted to spend time with and was prepared to do so. That was until I realized that doing so was going to put a damper on my holiday, vex my spirit and disturb my peace.
Ok, ok it wasn’t an immediate epiphany where I heard angels singing and I knew the relationship had changed. The realization came slowly. It started with a phone call. I was informing the person that I was in town and wanted to see him. He was with his girlfriend and they were having their normal argument. Strike one. I was in no mood for the drama. Girlfriend passes phone to him. He’s intoxicated. He’s out! He’s always been intoxicated for as long as I can remember. Despite my prayers, my talks, my cheering him on believing he could/would find himself and become the man I always upheld him to be, meeting my son and knowing I would never tolerate drugs or alcohol around him…he was intoxicated. To what extent I didn’t know and didn’t care. Is there even a level after you’ve spent a lifetime ducking and dodging the foolery? Lucky (and I don’t much believe in magic) our cell phone connection wasn’t that good and the call dropped. Warning much? I made myself unavailable.
Fast forward two days, I decided to drop in on him and have that visit. It was the middle of the day. Surely I could have a decent visit and return to West Palm Beach a bit happier for the time shared. Nope, he wasn’t home and I discovered after I left town that deep down I was
really really really glad. Overjoyed because I didn’t
have to sit in the thick of years and years of him making the same bad
decision. I won’t argue that addiction isn’t a strong hold. I lived a nightmare
during my childhood years but I’ve seen the power of healing and
transformation. It can happen. It takes work. Hard, grimy dirty work but the
rewards are great. The kind worth holding on to so you keep putting in the work
just like you do for any other lifelong goal.
Sat in my therapist’s office and shared this story with her. I cried. For many reasons. I was letting go. I didn’t/don’t/won’t make space in my life for ANYONE to drain me. I am not GOD or a god. I can’t fix others. Fixing me has taken work and I’m still working. I love him. Always have. Always will. There was never an ill word spoken to change my view of him. But I am done. I’ll see him when I can and if I don’t I won’t carry any guilt. Toxicity will spread and eat at you until you become a walking empty vessel. Don’t allow it. You have every right to be free from your past, negative relationships, hostile environments!! That is why Christ came to give me abundant life. I plan to partake. I am partaking. I feel better. Lighter. I’ve walked into more light.
Evaluating connections to others and choosing to disconnect may be painful but your life purpose demands it. Live. Love. Laugh. Be unapologetic when you unplug.