Unbirthed.

My life. My life. Not the Mary J. Blige version but I am really thinking about my life. My son has a year and a half of high school left. I have struggled with the idea to continue teaching. I even looked into teaching abroad. I can really see myself traveling and teaching. I can see myself doing a few things, heck anything but returning to a classroom. I certainly don’t want this to be a negative post because I’ve written a few of those and teaching is such an amazing gift. I just feel stifled. Exhausted. I feel overwhelmed some days. I am bored so I know the students are with the drill and practice of test standardize test prep. Those days when I do me and just teach from the heart with no mandated script are my best days. I connect with the kids. I get to hear their thoughts and be exposed to what’s really on their minds and in their hearts. Even the most difficult students are developing me in areas of patience, prayer and forgiveness.

I find so much joy and pleasure truly loving on kids. Giving beyond the textbook to those students who don’t have everyone’s attention. The ones who have the potential to be standout students, contribute to student life and even go off to college if one dedicated person was in their corner. I guess this sounds like I should be a guidance counselor or mentor role. Truth is depending on your schools needs a guidance counselor can spend very little time counseling and those who they are doing so much for are either those who are totally failing or succeeding. So I’m leaning more towards a PAID mentor role. Is that even doable?

The kids who are in the middle just slide through and are never challenged to engage. I want to be that person but I don’t really know how.  Or maybe it’s that I know how but I don’t see the opportunity clearly. I want to work with the unpolished teens and students. I want to connect them with people that I’m connected to in order to see them flourish. I’d like to use literature to reach the hearts of students who are experiencing challenges and don’t feel comfortable sharing that with anyone but can find solutions in the pages of a book like I did.

I want to walk away from my job and become the Ms. Blue that can pray with kids, check on them after school hours because someone should be able to without fear of being fired for overstepping boundaries, help them attend prom, stick it out with them if they get pregnant (I had my son my last year of college #beentheredonethat), support them through tragedy, sit with them to assist with completing a college application and so much more. But I’m afraid. That I can’t do those things and provide for me and my son. I’m afraid that to many it sounds like what is already being done even though I know it isn’t. Not enough anyway. There’s can never be too many championing for our youth.

I have this plan. I have this dream. I’ve been working on it for quite some time but it sits in my heart and head like a stubborn baby not ready to be born. I’ve written the vision. I’ve prayed over it. I’ve shared it with those I know will remind me of it when I’m tempted to give up and become complacent. I call them the protectors of my dream. I’ve looked into ways to make it happen from grant writing to working for someone else to learn more and it’s just not happening. And so I wait and while I wait I’ll mediate on this scripture: