Roadblocks

As a blogger, you get dressed, grab your camera and smile. But I wonder how many times we’ve done so while in pain or frustrated with just plain old life. I have? I’m doing so now. I won’t quit though because blogging gives me a reason to keep going. For those of you who started with me when this blog was created I was a graduate student pursing a PhD in Education. A dose of reality kicked in and I decided that I would pursue another direction and that was counseling. Most of my previous jobs have been working with youth. I love it! Are you thinking she’s an educator and I have a classroom full of youth? I wish that was the case. Too much political red tape. Even guidance counselors don’t spend much time counseling.

Life keeps happening and bringing some not so pleasant moments. I know there are other people in this country with a struggle far greater than mine. I know there are individuals fighting to stay alive and I am not. I know there are students who have never attended college and I’ve graduated twice from two different ones . What I’m doing here is counting my blessings, acknowledging the good things that God has bestowed upon me. But I still dream. I dream B I G. And hard. And it won’t go away. But it isn’t manifesting either. 

I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m trying to work my way through the struggle of being a single mom. Of the monies sometimes not being enough for just the fun things I’d like to do. Trips I’d love to take with the kid. Or the worrying that I’m placing too high expectations on my own son in hopes that he will avoid my mistakes and have a much better life.

When I see, hear or read commentary that you should go out and make your dreams happen. Folks demanding that you don’t quit. Chants that repeat find a way, I get irritated. Not because the message isn’t right. Not because I’m being lazy. I’m mad at this roadblock in my own life. If my salary allowed me to do so I’d pay my way through grad school but how many people can write checks for a doctoral program? I’m mad because I’ve prayed and cried and begged for a sign, change, opportunity to move grow, to expand and become!

Are there things I would do differently now that I’ve reaped/am reaping the harvest of choices I've made previously. Certainly so and without question. But I’m right here in this moment. This time and place. Not just wishing and praying for something to happen. I’m being told no on every attempt. I’m banging my head against concert walls. I’m clawing and climbing only to slide down again as if I’m living on a slippery slope.

What’s a girl to do?

** Twitter ** Instagram **