Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The Rock: Psalm 61:2-4

This morning is gloomy. The outside even matches what I'm feeling. I am having the toughest time putting one foot in front of the other. My head hurts! My stomach is churning and knotted up and y'all know I like to eat :) My ears are ringing and my body aches.

WHY?

Fear. The thoughts of what will man be allowed to do to me next. Yesterday I sat in a room full of people while an announcement was made that sent me into a surreal moment. I wished the floor had opened and swallowed me.

In this moment I realized that I had been a chasing a pipe dream that dedication, hard work and being a serious grinder would allow me to move forward in a twisted and corrupt system. I was poised. I survived the day but then I arrived home. At home I fought back tears. I've yet to have a good cry. I don't want to shed anymore tears on an educational system that profits from our children (specifically African American & Hispanic) being left behind.

I was a fool to think my love for literacy and desire to see kids healed or at least capable of moving past childhood difficulties (If you don't know I grew up in a home plagued with domestic violence), obtain an good education that will give them opportunities (we know saying just an education could be Little Johnnie being allowed to sleep in class or Juan listening to his iPod cause he's working on his producing skills) and soar to great heights. I did because of many teachers but two who are forever etched in my heart. Thank you Mrs. Phipps, wherever you are and Mrs. Gloria Norton who continues to teach HS English today.

I was insane to think dressing the part would bring me positive attention. That someone would see I could walk the walk, talk the talk and the knowledge base was there to bring change to a system that is murdering our children but also dress to impress the kids who may otherwise NEVER get a chance to see a professional young woman dressed for anything other than a video performance. FYI: I have planned to tone it wayyyyy down this year to just the bulldogs off my porch. Crazy thought, I know :(

A range of feelings are clashing and fighting to control me today. My peace is gone. My faith level is minus negative to the negative zero..at an all time low. I ask myself: What's the point of squaring my shoulders and going back into the ring to do more battle for those kids? This isn't the first beating of this caliber I've experienced. Yesterday, I lost a part of my educator self. I head out today unsure how I will function for 180 days with this dark cloud looming.

Stephen Hurd sings a song 'Lead Me to the Rock'. I'm reciting the words silently in my head. Over and over and over. "When my heart is overwhelmed Lord lead me to the rock, lead me to the rock that is higher than I".

Please pray I get there....

~dIvAmOm~
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6 comments:

Serene said...

I'm so sorry! I don't even know what to say because I don't know what you're going through, but I'm sorry that you're having to go through it. All I know is that God is good, and His plan WILL work through this! ~Serene

vwcrew6 said...

As I read this I began to cry because I know the passion you have toward education for our young Black students in this world… Please do not allow someone to put you in a box and minimums what your passion is …his or her preference is not your destiny. Over the years I have seen how you teach students as if they were what they ought to be and you are there to help them become what they are capable of becoming. God is not finished with you yet. In our struggle of life we only become stronger. I am so sorry that you feel hurt, pain and disappointment at this point in your life But always know you are a Phenomenal woman, teacher, mother, daughter, sister and Most of All Of Child of GOD. You are love because you have passion… and that my friend No one can take from you, because God has instilled that in your spirit….

BETTYBOOP said...

when i feel sad about a situation i always remember what my mom tells me " u wanna hear god laugh tell him what u have planned" , keep your head up and remember everything happens for a reason and god closes doors to open another 1 stay strong and dont give up xoxoxoxo bettyboop

Prissy said...

I'm praying for you, Honey! You are a truly blessed individual. When one door closes, another one opens!

Prissy

Kish said...

Even against the greatest odds, sometimes it takes just one. One person with one focus and one goal.
You are one.

Kerissa said...

Thanks for all the prayers and comments. The heaviest of the load has been lifted. I am not at the point of trying to understand my purpose and what are my most dominate gifts and talents so that I can step into them and use them in a manner that pleases HIM but also in a space where I can breathe and not have to apologize for being who HE designed. Xo!!

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