Fear. The thoughts of what will man be allowed to do to me next. Yesterday I sat in a room full of people while an announcement was made that sent me into a surreal moment. I wished the floor had opened and swallowed me.
In this moment I realized that I had been a chasing a pipe dream that dedication, hard work and being a serious grinder would allow me to move forward in a twisted and corrupt system. I was poised. I survived the day but then I arrived home. At home I fought back tears. I've yet to have a good cry. I don't want to shed anymore tears on an educational system that profits from our children (specifically African American & Hispanic) being left behind.
I was a fool to think my love for literacy and desire to see kids healed or at least capable of moving past childhood difficulties (If you don't know I grew up in a home plagued with domestic violence), obtain an good education that will give them opportunities (we know saying just an education could be Little Johnnie being allowed to sleep in class or Juan listening to his iPod cause he's working on his producing skills) and soar to great heights. I did because of many teachers but two who are forever etched in my heart. Thank you Mrs. Phipps, wherever you are and Mrs. Gloria Norton who continues to teach HS English today.
I was insane to think dressing the part would bring me positive attention. That someone would see I could walk the walk, talk the talk and the knowledge base was there to bring change to a system that is murdering our children but also dress to impress the kids who may otherwise NEVER get a chance to see a professional young woman dressed for anything other than a video performance. FYI: I have planned to tone it wayyyyy down this year to just the bulldogs off my porch. Crazy thought, I know :(
A range of feelings are clashing and fighting to control me today. My peace is gone. My faith level is minus negative to the negative zero..at an all time low. I ask myself: What's the point of squaring my shoulders and going back into the ring to do more battle for those kids? This isn't the first beating of this caliber I've experienced. Yesterday, I lost a part of my educator self. I head out today unsure how I will function for 180 days with this dark cloud looming.
Stephen Hurd sings a song 'Lead Me to the Rock'. I'm reciting the words silently in my head. Over and over and over. "When my heart is overwhelmed Lord lead me to the rock, lead me to the rock that is higher than I".
Please pray I get there....
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