Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Raw & Uncut - Here I Am

Let me be real for a minute. I haven't been writing nor finished this challenge for two reasons. 1. I'm over it. The challenges seem to be repetitive. 2. I'm having a rough time on this journey called life. I've been seeking God and being encouraged by others. I'm so grateful that I have this time off from work to really process things and deal with myself. Some folks aren't realistic and will have you to believe they are always experiencing the very best but not me! There are days when I'm dressed up and posing for the camera or at work teaching my students or I'm surrounded by people; yet inside I'm screaming and breaking dishes.

Life happens. What's really got me all worked up is having to postpone graduate school after this quarter. Pursing this degree is who I am after I'm a mother and teacher. It is what I do in the weee hours of the night. It is my dream that keeps me going daily when I want to throw in the towel and just quit. Being a graduate student is the very thing that fuels my grind. I know it was a door opened and blessed by GOD. I just can't understand right now why I'm having to wait.

Instead of allowing it to kick me all the day down, I've decided to return to the middle school classroom at church and work with the youth again to keep me busy. Why this path. Every move I've made even this degree is focused on serving youth. My childhood wasn't the best. It wasn't the worst either. It was one that allowed me to have one BIG up on some educators who fail to understand where our children are mentally when they enter a classroom. I was that child who had the worst night the day before but came to school anyway because it was a place of escape. It was a place of comfort. There were books and a teacher who cared. It was where I could get  nap in and still be allowed to catch up on my homework.

Now the expectation is for a kid to pass a standardized test. We don't give a darn that Shanna's mom is dying of AIDS, that Joe's mom's fifth boyfriend beat her again to a pulp and Rosalyn had to stay home 4 of the 5 school days to help her mom out with the twins and that Erica had to go help her mom do business at the bank and post office because her parent's don't speak English. Yes I taught and currently teach these type students. But if I take more than five minutes of the school's time to listen, encourage or motivate I'm a worthless teacher. So I decided to go back to school to transition into a different career where I can be of more service to these students.

Now I'm not sure when this transition will happen and it makes me sad. Very sad!! sick to my stomach sad. I've failed sad. I know the answer isn't No. I really do trust GOD. I believe there's a plan for my life. At this moment though it happens not to be enough to keep the dark cloud away that somehow I'm again stuck. That feeling of dreams come true for others. And I hate being here. It isn't a testament to the GOD I'm always tweeting and writing about here. My mood is really contrary to HIS word.

So the cure is to tune out the negative by reading the book of Psalms, devotionals, pray, listening to Gospel music and even sharing my trials here. I know someone reading this has gone through a dark day. This isn't my first. That's why I won't quit or surrender my dream. Someone tweeted today giving up is so overrated. It really is. I may  be 60 but I know that I'm going to finish the race. My mother did. That chick is my hero. She believed in me before I headed off to any college. Now years later I'm attending my 3rd one. Wow, I really do have more blessings to count than I've allowed myself to acknowledge. See all it takes is one moment of reflection to get back on track.

PLEASE Keep me in prayer. Thank you for being here and a reason to count my blessings. If you are having a tough day, week or even had a tough month or hour. Remember two things 1. the safest place in the whole wide world is in the will of GOD and 2. He'll always do everything HE promised.

In His love,


Roodlyne said...

There's really more to be thankful for, Im one of those whose been having a rough year, seems like they just keep coming but we are children of purpose ... the reason you are in school is to allow you to minister to the youth in need, id say look around. Maybe there's one that need you right now n God thought you needed the time off so you can see.
School may be on hold but your ministry is not.
Keep fighting love im pulling for you

Blue said...

I sooo over-stand you cousin. You're saying that you're now on your 3rd college, how about I'm now on my 5th job. Every year, I'm called into the admins office, facing a group of people who don't look like me, telling me that I "don't fit" in a classroom full of students who look like me. Students who, years later, still count me as one of the most influential people in their lives.

I've done countless hours of self-reflection, meditation, analysis, blame, rage...the full gamut of emotions. And I'm still not clear on the wherefores and whys of my situation. I too believe that I am a destined teacher. You know how many summers I tortured you all with playing school where I just HAD to be the teacher, LOL. I'm born for this. And yet, I can't keep a teaching job! It's so frustrating, and it takes a toll on the self-esteem after a while. Especially seeing others get so many accolades and advancement for not even doing a quarter of what I do for my kids. The whole "business" of education is so screwed and yet I love/loathe it.

I'm not sure why I'm being put to this test, not even sure what's being tested. Faith is becoming increasingly harder for me. I sometimes feel that others are born under some auspice that grants them an easier journey or a more charmed life. You say you have your down days, but I look on with so much envy at the presence and relationship of your mother (and your cute clothes lol). However, it's counterproductive for us to succumb to that weak thinking. We can't know another's journey or what inner demons they're fighting. All we can do is support them on their journey. Our gifts are different because our paths are different. So keep plugging. You and I both have the common sense to reach out for help when we're sinking, be it yoga, gospel, affirmations, or each other. This is what will buoy us when we're tired of swimming upstream. But trust and believe, we will make our marks on the world. We already are. We just have to be patient and remember what and who we come from. Thanks for letting me share....TEE

Shea said...

I understand exactly how you feel, sometimes it's hard to understand the challenges we are handed. I had to quit school during my separation from my husband. It hurt me so bad, the one thing that I thought I had control over I no longer did. The one person that I thought understood the importance of school to me no longer cared. It was a hard pill to swallow and I hated it.

I seriously had to ask for guidance daily because I really felt lost with everything that was going on. I was able to go back to school and my determination is even greater now. I am sorry you won't be able to finish school at this time. I know with the knowledge you already have you are going to make a difference. I wish some of my professor gave a damn as much as you do! Thanks for sharing =)

Alicia Renae said...

I understand your frustrations because I shared similar ones. I wanted to go back to school and couldn't. My work schedule didn't allow it nor did my finances. I prayed about it and God answered my prayer. After graduating 12 years ago, I'm back in school and some days I can't handle it. The exhaustion from working late and homework has left me wanting to give up. This is where u come in.. I have tweeted numerous of times (@lillyflower81) that I didn't want to complete assignments and you always encouraged me to do it. God has a plan for you. You willingness to encouraged and minister to others... inspiring!. Keep the faith cause you will receive that third degree because u have already claimed it. We all get weary and agitated but that's a part of his plan. For me, I know He's teaching me patience because I haven't mastered that yet. What I do know is that you have a beautiful spirit that shines through the computer. Keep smiling cause He's not done with you yet!

LV said...

I totally understand and can relate to how you feel. I know it will come together for you at the right time, but the challenge is knowing that sometimes God's timing is not ours. I struggle with that too. I find it so refreshing that you care as much as you do and that you want to make a difference. Whether you know it or not, you are changing lives and making a difference. I love coming to your blog because you are so determined and inspirational. By the way, I gave you a blog award. Stop my blog to check it out:-)


Anonymous said...

I understand !!!After 15 years of teaching, I have never received a promotion. Yet, my students excel on the FCAT. I know it because I believe "Intelligence plus character is the goal of true education." Dr. Martin Luther King
I remember asking God why wasn't I able to leave the classroom...teachers are often looked down on, blamed for everything, overworked, and underpaid!

Anonymous said...

I understand your frustrations and your determination! Praying for you!!! At moments when I need a little inspiration, my go to song is "God Favored Me" by Hezekiah Walker.

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