Life happens. What's really got me all worked up is having to postpone graduate school after this quarter. Pursing this degree is who I am after I'm a mother and teacher. It is what I do in the weee hours of the night. It is my dream that keeps me going daily when I want to throw in the towel and just quit. Being a graduate student is the very thing that fuels my grind. I know it was a door opened and blessed by GOD. I just can't understand right now why I'm having to wait.
Instead of allowing it to kick me all the day down, I've decided to return to the middle school classroom at church and work with the youth again to keep me busy. Why this path. Every move I've made even this degree is focused on serving youth. My childhood wasn't the best. It wasn't the worst either. It was one that allowed me to have one BIG up on some educators who fail to understand where our children are mentally when they enter a classroom. I was that child who had the worst night the day before but came to school anyway because it was a place of escape. It was a place of comfort. There were books and a teacher who cared. It was where I could get nap in and still be allowed to catch up on my homework.
Now the expectation is for a kid to pass a standardized test. We don't give a darn that Shanna's mom is dying of AIDS, that Joe's mom's fifth boyfriend beat her again to a pulp and Rosalyn had to stay home 4 of the 5 school days to help her mom out with the twins and that Erica had to go help her mom do business at the bank and post office because her parent's don't speak English. Yes I taught and currently teach these type students. But if I take more than five minutes of the school's time to listen, encourage or motivate I'm a worthless teacher. So I decided to go back to school to transition into a different career where I can be of more service to these students.
Now I'm not sure when this transition will happen and it makes me sad. Very sad!! sick to my stomach sad. I've failed sad. I know the answer isn't No. I really do trust GOD. I believe there's a plan for my life. At this moment though it happens not to be enough to keep the dark cloud away that somehow I'm again stuck. That feeling of dreams come true for others. And I hate being here. It isn't a testament to the GOD I'm always tweeting and writing about here. My mood is really contrary to HIS word.
So the cure is to tune out the negative by reading the book of Psalms, devotionals, pray, listening to Gospel music and even sharing my trials here. I know someone reading this has gone through a dark day. This isn't my first. That's why I won't quit or surrender my dream. Someone tweeted today giving up is so overrated. It really is. I may be 60 but I know that I'm going to finish the race. My mother did. That chick is my hero. She believed in me before I headed off to any college. Now years later I'm attending my 3rd one. Wow, I really do have more blessings to count than I've allowed myself to acknowledge. See all it takes is one moment of reflection to get back on track.
PLEASE Keep me in prayer. Thank you for being here and a reason to count my blessings. If you are having a tough day, week or even had a tough month or hour. Remember two things 1. the safest place in the whole wide world is in the will of GOD and 2. He'll always do everything HE promised.
In His love,