I've also been sitting quietly with myself trying to make sense of what has happened lately, where I am and what I need to do. Yep all about me. No blaming others.
You see work is just one throne in my flesh. My head continues to spin as I try to accept my dream of completing grad school being on hold. One would think GOD knows how badly I want to achieve this goal but for now He says nope. Right here. Continue teaching. Not a pleasant feeling at all! So my prayer has become the Serenity prayer. I need to accept what I can't change at the moment and still smile.
I'm also seeking His wisdom in being genuine everyday. I need to be real with myself and around others. Not in the manner of telling those who have an ear for gossip what's happening in my world. What I'm referring to is being able to stand tall and be the woman of faith I write about here. Sadly, I've fallen really short in this area.
I admit that has been horribly difficult. I know GOD hears our prayers. He cares about the things we go through. But what do I do when the trial doesn't get lighter? When it seems like the painful fiery darts of life are zooming all around me?
This deal at work triggered multiple spinoffs of events. My money changes and we know in this economy & being a teacher doesn't make for a baller's status. I had to tell my son I was demoted. Oh the feelings of failure I've struggled with. When you work hard on any job one of the things you expect is promotion.
A beautiful & successful woman shared with me that it maybe time to reevaluate moving on when your ability to grow in a situation has ceased. I agree 200% but the jobs as we know aren't there. I also don't want to complain when sooooo many people are in need of employment & many more join the club everyday.
I also have to make M A J O R spending adjustments. This really hurts. I have one kid & shop at thrift stores but lately I've had to say No. And there goes the feelings of failing at being a good mom. And ya'll know a fantabulous pair of stilletoes takes a day to new heights ;).
I'm receiving a lesson in forgiving myself and accepting ownership for my role in where I am today. Remember I said self reflection. Re-evluating what I want now and my future. I have also had to get over myself. Yep, life happens even to me. Being in the will of God doesn't make me exempt. Troubles don't mean I'm outside of His will.
So while I'm away there are things He's teaching me about His way, about myself and life. I hope this test brings hope and deliverance to someone else some place else who may be struggling with feelings of failure, frustration, being stuck, dreaming BIG and seeing little results so you think, financial hardship and wondering when will your moment of breakthrough & breakout arrive. Ohh and don't forget the why, why, whys that can dance around in your head. Right???
I am reminding myself and to you today, He's still on the throne! Keep pushing. I am. KT gives me a reason to laugh, to remain in the race. More importantly, I don't want to not become the Woman of God I was designed to be.
Enjoy your day. God is watching over you my friend.
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