Wednesday, February 16, 2011


At this very moment I need Calgon  to take me away. To anywhere. Any place that doesn't require me to be me. I need a Karrie Bradshaw, BIG and I didn't get married and I'm going to sleep it off on a tropical island in a hotel room that's plush and free moment...and I need it pronto. Ok, I'm asking for a bit much but I really need a time out.

Today I discovered my external drive was damaged. Every picture I've taken for the past two years was stored on the drive. Photos that captured family events, visits from my mom, times with my Grandmother who now suffers from Alzheimer. Every assignments completed and my portfolio for my Master's degree. Recent assignments for my current studies. Tax documents. Music. Most of my blog posts, pictures, ideas were stored there as well. You name it and it is stored on my drive. I know you are thinking I should just get it over since computers and drives and electronic devices malfunction all the time right?

Well this is just added stress that I am not welcoming! I don't need it and I don't want it. I awoke this morning  feeling light (I finished my paper at 2 AM). I was singing Fred Hammond's "This is the Day". You know the words: 

This is the day. 
This is the day.
This is the day that the Lord has made. 
I will rejoice and be glad in it. 

and I'm still trying to remain there. On that cloud. In a  grateful frame of mind because I do realize my current circumstances and happenings has no bearing on GOD being who HE has always been to me, HIS daughter. As much as NeNe Leakes irritates me (and believe me she is annoying times 1000), at this very moment I understand her pursuit to get her happy back. I just want to see the fruits of my labor. Not feel like I'm just existing. Not feel like I'm praying in vain. Trusting and waiting for what can sometimes seem like forever. This isn't a place I want to be and yet it is a real place.

I'm simply exhausted and want to take the "S" off my chest. I want to shed the superhero persona!  I want the focus to be on me in a positive way. I just feel like if I was a single mom with 5 kids by 4 different men, living in low income housing, driving a jaguar, weaved up and wearing 6 inch heels there would be programs and assistance to get me up and moving. But I am up and moving, progressing and making strides. Just not fast enough for me and at just the ride speed for the decision makers who determine where the support should go. How the heck do  I make too much to qualify for free and reduced lunch? Truth is if I were paying off my student loans, KT would be packing his lunch. 

I mentioned to someone today how the higher ups seem to forget the road they traveled to get there. For example, I am looked down on because I limit my outside activities at work and definitely in my social life. Often my colleagues respond to my decline to eat, sleep, inhale and regurgitate work as not caring about the students. When 4 our of 5 mornings, I am racing to get to my students after sleeping for 3 hours. Yes, I'm serious!!! On the other hand, it was okay for them to pursue promotion, strike a balance and achieve their own personal goals. What's with the double standards?

At the end of the day, I won't quit, won't give up and won't be broken. I'm stronger with each tear...



BlackPearl said...

Get it girl! I was thinking up an encouraging comment, but as I continued reading I realized you definitely have it under control. I feel you on wanting a break, but you know the achievers in life never get those. Luckily, God is on your side and that automatically means nothing can break your stride or pull you down because He is holding you up!!! I'm praying for you girl! This is the day the Lord has made...

Nikki said...

Wow! Sounds like you do need a Calgon break AND a hug! I am a strong believer that what doesn't break you will make you stronger and it seems like you believe the same thing. I know it can be hard to stay sane when it seems like the world is trying to drive you insane! But believe me prayer does work! It has saved me from completely losing my mind on many occasions!! From what I read in your posts you seem like a very determined woman so I know that you will persevere in anything you want to accomplish!


-Jay- said...

I feel like this sometimes. You work hard and have a lot on your place. I salute you. I pray that you receive that's on its way!

Chandra @ShiftC said...

I know this feeling all too well. My heart SANK as I read this. It's a horrible feeling. When this happened to me it ruined my morning. I even cried. Then I realized that I just couldn't lay stock in things like this. I know my God is more than able to provide comfort--even during awful computer times. I eventually got over that horrible feeling, but everyday I am reminded that God is amazing and deserves so much more than I could ever offer.

I really, really hope that you find some peace of mind. I hope that you are able to recover as many files as you can.


Kerissa said...

@Linka, I don't know if I have it under control but our GOD does & he's definitely holding me up :0)

@Nikki, I'm in the last two weeks of class and promise to take a Calgon break and hug myself. A staycation it will be!

@Jay, your encouragement means more than I can express here.

@Chandra, YES! You understand. My bestie and I had this conversation today after she shared with me that her iPhone was stolen a week ago. We really do depend on this stuff a tad bit much. I'm more devastated that I haven't been able to recover years of family picts.

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