Friday, July 2, 2010

I JUST WANNA BE SUCCESSFUL BUT I’M FAILING MISERABLY

Pursuing a PhD is hard, difficult, tough, earth shattering! I’ve heard jokes that most people traveling this road go coco for coco pops. I laugh but it is sooo stressful at times that I could easily walk away and spend the rest of my life on the beach with a fashion magazine.

Up until this semester I’ve been doing well. Let me tell you up front I have a perfectionist illness. I will push myself beyond being pushed. Like a Rocky Balboa comeback! My dreams must come true because the only obstacle to proven them from coming to fruition would be me or if they aren’t GOD given. I have the work ethic of ten men and will push myself until there's nothing. Most things I've worked for, I've achieved until now. 

I have one thing in my world that I can’t master  and that’s math. I'm just not good at it. Well statistics because I always count my money! I start to hyperventilate when I have to do more than check my son’s homework and balance my checkbook and determine if something is worth buying on sale. This summer I’m taking quantitative research and I’m clueless. Boy, am I clueless (this isn’t good). I was so worked up over this class that my followers on twitter who are scholars jumped right in and asked how they could support me. 

I’ve prayed about it, asked others to pray and considered dropping the course. The latter would be a temporary fix. I need to understand this form of methodology in order to research, write and defend my dissertation. This failure came when my emotions were swinging like a pendulum because I was missing my son something awful. So I got out my prayer journal and I wrote. I listened to Michael Jackson’ s You Are Not Alone and felt the presence of GOD remind me that HE’S here with me. I won’t always get everything right and I should do myself a favor and ease up.

I may get an A or C in this class but I’ve decided that I’m going to face this fear head on and try. By sticking with this course I’m eliminating any opportunities for mini-me to quit when times are hard and for me to say I failed. The old saying is you only fail if you don’t try. I’m trying. I’m looking for a tutor and I’m gonna keep pushing. I want this degree. Winners never quit and quitters never win. I’m a winner, POW!

From my blog to GOD’S ears….
~diVaMoM~

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