Friday, July 23, 2010

GRATEFUL for all He’s Done for Me

We all go through not so great moments in life and I’ve had a few this summer. My statistics class didn’t work out. Actually I was told that maybe I wasn’t doctoral material by someone who did not have the right to speak into my life. I just want to issue a PSA here: Teachers be careful how you handle your students. You have the power to destroy a dream or motivate/help  a student reach their best potential. Don’t abuse it! How encouraging was that statement, right?! I’m missing KT terribly (I blogged about it in a previous post: Whoever Said… http://adivamomsjourney.blogspot.com/2010/07/whoever-said.html ) and my summer has been super quiet. For those who really know me, I’m always on the move, on the go and juggling a few projects.

I was feeling like a fish out of water or covered with oil. Both are equally awful. My grandmother always said trouble don’t last always and it didn’t. I can hear Donnie McClurkin singing “if you wait on the Lord, HE will always come through”. The past two days have been fascinating. Nope, I won’t be sharing any juicy gossip about someone else or one of my dating adventures. This one is much more exciting.  As I’m writing this I’m wearing a huge kool-aid smile. I have a reason to swirl, dance and celebrate.

Initially, I felt like all of the madness in my life was bad. I began to second guess my decision to purses a PhD. The negative voice in my head kept me so confused that I began to ask others what I should do. I was so stressed and worried about failing at something I had not failed at that I became paralyzed for a few days. I couldn’t think clearly and when I prayed I was unable to receive an answer or GOD’S peace. I considered going to pick up KT and bringing him home. I’d feel better but he would miss out on valuable time with his father, a father who is a part of his son’s life. Nevermind that the thought was all about me, I just wanted be in control! I was unsettled and felt that I needed to just pick up and go…anywhere…somewhere.

I took a deep breath and paused. I stayed away from Twitter, Facebook, texting and people.  Not because I wanted to isolate myself and be miserable but because I needed to shape up. I did what I was taught to do, the very thing that has always worked. I prayed and I cried and I listened over and over and over and over and over. It took a few days but my heart was restored. My faith was built back up and I began to take a walk down memory lane. For most of us, we want to leave the past behind but not me. I can never forget all of GOD’S benefits.

Even though at the moment, nothing around me was physically different I knew that GOD was there. HE was always there and HE wasn’t going to leave me unless I didn’t have room for HIM. And just to remind me of HIS love, care and compassion HE sent a few goodies to me in less than a 48 hour period. I had my first MAC experience and am super excited about playing with my new makeup. When your heart is beautiful it shows on the outside so I’m going to enhance HIS presence on me. I’ve been asked to be a guest blogger on one of my favorite blogs: http://glamchicwithus.blogspot.com/. I met the create of this blog on Twitter and she’s been a favorite on my timeline so I’m humbled she chose me to reach the young ladies following her blog & share my knowledge about education. 

The final touch was being invited to be a stage prop in tonight’s play ‘Low Down Dirty Blues’ at the Little Playhouse Theatre at the Kravis Center. Shy me on stage? REALLY?! Being in the center of all the attention? No one orchestrated this but GOD. Whoever thought the small town country girl would have so many doors opened outside of what she could ever dream, ask or think? I didn’t which are why I’m amazed, moved to tears because of GOD’S loving-kindness and tender mercy shown even when I don’t deserve it. Now I’m beginning to understand why being grateful for all HE’S done for me allows HIM to keep on doing great things.

It’s a simple principle I’ve heard for many years, when the praises (being grateful) go up blessing come down. If you can’t find a reason to smile, to be excited about life take the time to make a list and recall how GOD made a way and opened doors we you did nothing to help HIM along or deserve it.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the LORD, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome. –Amplified Bible-
~dIvA mOm~

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Whoever Said…

that all moms should take a break obviously had too many kids at home. I miss my mini-me soo very much!!! This is the first summer we’ve been apart for this amount of time. Initially when his father and I planned this I was elated that I’d have time to teach an online class and focus on my doctoral studies without dragging him to spend five hours in the library. He’s such a fun kid and this time away has certainly given me an opportunity to appreciate the love we share as mother and son.

I’ve tried playing the Wii and it really isn’t much fun because KT isn’t here to restart every game that he’s losing. Oh how I miss those teachable moments when I can pull out Mia Hamm’s book on sportsmanship and read it with him. Watching Ratatouille, Brother Bear or Gladiator for the gazillionth time seems so bland without someone to sing along with…Tell everybody I’m on my way (Koda from Brother Bear 2) or recite movie lines…Maxiums! Maxiums! Maxiums!

My heart is settled with the blessing that he’s able to be with the other half of him learning those things I can never teach him because I’m a woman. It took awhile but I realized that trying to be both parents was impossible and since I’m unable to stand and tinkle it was best to let the things a man could better explain, be handle by a man. I miss him terribly but I know he’ll come back with tales to share over dinner and with a better appreciation of the life GOD has blessed us with. In the meantime I’ll consider planning this welcome home party he requested as if he left the country J.

Off of mommie duty,
~dIvAmOm

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Wicked Wednesday

Sometimes life gets the best of you. You can pray, have a positive outlook and wake up daily seizing the day but life will occasionally throw you a curve ball. It happened to me this week. I was already a bit blue because I’m missing the mini-me like crazy. To break out of my routine of sitting at home or in the library studying and teaching I decide to go out to grab a salad and drink.

I ran a few errands and decided I’d swing by Fridays for a cobb salad. Of course, it rains everyday here in South Florida and today was no different. It’s pouring and I’m driving slow trying to find the restaurant. I’m unable to find the entrance and drive by it to keep from getting a horn blast. I circle back around and there is there it is. Well almost. It’s closed. Another one bites the dust due to the economy. No biggie though. There’s an Applebee’s and Chili’s on my way home.

I decide I’ll have the chicken salad at Applebee’s even though I can’t sit outside and dine. I pull into a park facing forward. I’m telling you this because it is something I rarely do. Ask my bestie, Q. It’s one of my many actions that irritates her. I hope out in the rain, go inside and place my order. The second sign that my life was rumbling like a volcano ready to erupt happens the moment I bite into my oriental chicken salad. It isn’t my usual meal and it tastes horrible. I’m not sure if it was because of my apple sangria or the salad itself. The entire meal was awful including the drink but I force myself to eat it. Pay the bill including a tip and head out to my truck.

Well my truck had a very different agenda. I turn the switch and click click click. Nothing!!!! It has power and won’t turn over. At this moment a conversation I had with some twitter friends replays in my mind. I know the battery is in the trunk someplace but I’ve never seen it. Dang it man, I think.  Why is this happening to me on a rainy day?  I contact my insurance company to have the car towed to the dealer which is less than 10 minutes away. I call the dealership to notify them and they are closed. Yeah, this day is looking dim mike the skies at a rapid rate. 

Fast forward, I leave the car and call my neighbor for a lift home. I’m already stressed over my statistics class so I’m not going to have a meltdown over the car not starting. I don’t have anywhere to go so it can wait until the next morning. I decide that I’ll just walk at my car in the morning with the faith that it will start. I wake up the next day, grab a large bottle of water, call my mom to keep my company while I walk and start stepping. I set up the arrangements to have my car towed with my insurance company and read a book during the hour wait.  So far so good and there is good news. It was as if GOD was saying I see you daughter and all is well because it did not rain and the heat wasn’t sweltering.

Twenty minutes before the tow truck arrives my truck starts. I’m grateful and I cancel the towing and head straight to the dealer. They check out my car and give me a semi grim diagnosis. A siren is needed for the alarm. he truck thought it was being stolen so I had to replace the part. These smart foreign cars need all their parts. The part was $500 without a warranty. I also needed a battery which was another $200. I’m cool with it. Gotta keep the ONLY car I have running smoothly, right? Well the today I get a call that my car is ready and there was no warranty.

Yikes, imagine how I felt. I was sick. It was one of those moments when I think being a single mom, working two jobs, attending school, trying to save for a home so my son and I can have a better life felt futile. It’s summer for goodness sake. A time to travel, dine out and think about new clothes for August. I cried for about a minute and then got over it. I just gotta keep reminding myself that all the things I dream about will come to fruition in GOD’s timing. I can’t take on another job to save for a home. I can’t afford to be at work while someone or something else (like reality tv) rears my son. Time with him is priceless. It’s a car that will require maintenance. Besides, you gotta pay for something. Nothing in life is free. My mom reminded me that trials will come to test my faith. She was in Reverend mode, lol. It’ll come to test all of us whether we believe in the same GOD or not. Upsets will happen. Its how we deal with them that builds character. I’m stronger with each tear!

~dIvAmOm~

Friday, July 2, 2010

I JUST WANNA BE SUCCESSFUL BUT I’M FAILING MISERABLY

Pursuing a PhD is hard, difficult, tough, earth shattering! I’ve heard jokes that most people traveling this road go coco for coco pops. I laugh but it is sooo stressful at times that I could easily walk away and spend the rest of my life on the beach with a fashion magazine.

Up until this semester I’ve been doing well. Let me tell you up front I have a perfectionist illness. I will push myself beyond being pushed. Like a Rocky Balboa comeback! My dreams must come true because the only obstacle to proven them from coming to fruition would be me or if they aren’t GOD given. I have the work ethic of ten men and will push myself until there's nothing. Most things I've worked for, I've achieved until now. 

I have one thing in my world that I can’t master  and that’s math. I'm just not good at it. Well statistics because I always count my money! I start to hyperventilate when I have to do more than check my son’s homework and balance my checkbook and determine if something is worth buying on sale. This summer I’m taking quantitative research and I’m clueless. Boy, am I clueless (this isn’t good). I was so worked up over this class that my followers on twitter who are scholars jumped right in and asked how they could support me. 

I’ve prayed about it, asked others to pray and considered dropping the course. The latter would be a temporary fix. I need to understand this form of methodology in order to research, write and defend my dissertation. This failure came when my emotions were swinging like a pendulum because I was missing my son something awful. So I got out my prayer journal and I wrote. I listened to Michael Jackson’ s You Are Not Alone and felt the presence of GOD remind me that HE’S here with me. I won’t always get everything right and I should do myself a favor and ease up.

I may get an A or C in this class but I’ve decided that I’m going to face this fear head on and try. By sticking with this course I’m eliminating any opportunities for mini-me to quit when times are hard and for me to say I failed. The old saying is you only fail if you don’t try. I’m trying. I’m looking for a tutor and I’m gonna keep pushing. I want this degree. Winners never quit and quitters never win. I’m a winner, POW!

From my blog to GOD’S ears….
~diVaMoM~

Thursday, July 1, 2010

A Day of Rest and Relaxation


This week I was able to visit one of my favorite spots! I’ve been planning a trip to the beach since the days began to warm up here in South Florida. Last summer I spent every weekend sunning and perfecting my GOD given tan. I have chairs, big umbrellas, a cooler, sand toys, goggles, suba gear for the kid, swimsuits, cover-ups, sunblock, sun hats, ipod radio, storm radio and so on. If you can use it at the beach I own it. I was counting down the days until KT and I would pack up the truck, gather our snacks and spend the day acting like a fish. Well it never happened and he’s gone on summer vacation. I miss hear dearly! 

But this week has been stressful since I am sooo very cluelessly taking a quantitative research graduate course, teaching a graduate class which I enjoy tremendously, missing a last minute paid hotel trip to New Orleans (I could not afford purchasing a plane ticket to help sponsor BP’s oilspill clean up for +300) and my blackberry being on the fritz. I needed a day off from my real life. I packed my cute straw beach tote handbag with Essence, More and Lucky magazines and the late E. Lynn Harris’ new novel In My Father’s House. This decision turned out to be one of the best spur of the moment decisions I’d made all week.

I spent four hours listening to the waves crashing and R & B oldies on B106.3 in between Michael Baisden’s trashy show (no judgment please). I ate grapes & a fruit cup that were chilled in my cooler, snacked on the kids Scooby doo cookies and drank bottled water. The weather was 88 degrees with just enough sunshine peeking from behind the clouds to create the perfect background. The only not so great moments were the family of 10 that arrived and settled down next to me (I had to pull out the earbuds and iPod to remain in my serene place), the dude who was with his kids and wife/woman that kept staring at me while I was enjoying the semi-rough ocean waves (I was thinking dude really. She should slap you! HARD!!) and the reminder of how ruined Florida beaches are (the land is no longer flat you walk down a steep cliff now to reach the water). We have vicious hurricanes to thank for that and the sand they used to mend the broken beaches feel like lamb’s wool.

Despite those few flaws Harris’ main character Bentley Dean III’s life transported me to the hot life in Miami.  I made it through 17 chapters of the book. Those hours on the beach worked magic de-stressing me that I decided to continue to pamper myself. On the way home, I stopped at Marshalls grabbed a candle, foaming bath soak, body cream called the beach and soaked all the grim of life right off. I had almost forgotten how refreshing the beach and a nice quiet warm bath could be. I was blessed to get both all in the same day. 



~dIvAmOM~

All photos taken by me =0)
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