Wednesday I went to court for a deposition regarding the incident from the previous school year which resulted in a student spraining my neck and back. You can read about it here and here. I arrived a few minutes late and hustled to get to where I needed to report. Unfortunately, I had left the subpoena at home. The front desk information clerk would know right? Wrong. She sent me to another floor and suite. The clerk on that floor and in that particular suite couldn’t see any juvenile cases so she couldn’t give me any information and this was after I waited in line for over 10, maybe 15 minutes. The 2nd clerk directed me across the hall on the same floor to another suite but not the main section. Here directions were something like go left and left. Or was it right then left or the opposite? By now I’m losing all the cool and calm I possessed before arriving. Every ounce of peace Pastor Mom prayed over me was 2 secs from being completely gone.
I make it across the hall and I check the calendars that posted for the day regarding hearings and depositions and whatever else the sheets included. There was no 9:30 listings the time of my appointment. The clerk who worked that window wasn’t there. The clerk in the next cubicle peeked and said he’d get someone to help. That someone had no documentation of where I should head and had to call someone else! While she was on hold the State Defender called me and after finding out she forgot about me and THEN her decision not to come look for me after asking for my location, we were able to get the show on the road. Now I’ll tell you I was sizzling in the room because I was asked questions that were an attempt to paint me as a horrible educator. Well I pushed back all the noise in my head and answered truthfully and forthrightly. Over and done. THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION FOR ME BEING INJURED AT THE HANDS OF A STUDENT.
As soon as I exited the building so many emotions came back. Mostly ones that were going to take me into a negative space if I entertained them. I’ve been in this career 12 years and before I show up for 180 days to cause a child harm I’d work at the gas station pumping gas and cleaning windshields. That’s how passionate I am about saving children’s lives. That’s how sincere I am about doing my best even when I’ve been physically battered and deserted by the company I work for and school personnel at the school site. I always try to remember I have a kid who will receive blessings or curses based on what I put out. This keeps me from treating kids who treat me like crap the same way. Well maturity too but I sometimes don’t want to be the mature adult. Don’t act like you can’t relate.
What I realized as I have been doing so many times in this year is that nothing I go through is wasted. My heavenly Father knew and knows about all of the incidents of my life before they happened. He knew and sees all the good and the bad pieces to the puzzle of my life. This knowledge allowed me to make a conscience decision that I was going to remain professional with the attorneys, check my emotions and not allow the negative ones to overshadow the beauty of the day and rest in the truth that God’s will is going to be done regarding the outcome of the situation. I must accept whatever it is good or bad. The growth isn’t for those who have wronged, abused and abandoned me.
This insight is going to take me through and out of 2016. God has pruned and pruned me so that I am not learning to say ok Lord whatever You say, whatever Your will. I know that it is best for me. Misrepresenting his name only brings shame to the Kingdom. Truth of the matter is He won’t allow the trials of life to take me out and cause me to give up hoping in him. Hillary Scott has a song titled, Thy Will. It speaks to confusion and following Christ and sometimes still ending up in a painful place. That’s life. It happens to us all. Instead of allowing that moment to separate me from God’s love and peace, I sat quietly in my truck after I vented to my Godmother and waited for the Lord to comfort me.
He did. She sings in the chorus 4 words, Thy will be done over and over. I embrace His leading fully for the remainder of this year. I’m ok with no. I’m ok with the unexpected. I’m ok with not being yet all that he’s called me to be. I’m even ok with a little teeny tiny bit ok with this case being dragged out and my name being dragged but Jesus covered that on the cross. With a sincere heart, I move through the rest of the days fully aware that His will shall be done even when it’s difficult to count the happenings all joy. I have my health back. My son and I didn’t miss a meal. The bills were paid. There was gas in the truck. And that’s just the physical needs that were met. God increased me and my capacity to rely on Him, my trust in Him and what I know to be true about him.
I am NOT alone!